Things have been crazy in the last two months. I have been too caught up to write. Many a times I found myself trying to piece together all my thoughts and putting them into words, binding them all by a common thread. But, I was all over the place. I couldn’t do justice to the reflections in my mind.
When I started this blog, I made a conscious decision to not give up on something I love- writing. Everybody’s busy. Too busy to do the things they love, too busy to be happy. I told myself that I will never be one of them. Then, I realized that I was slowly turning.
When you get a new job and move to a new city, you adjust with everything to fit in. But what happens when you wake up one morning and realize that in that strive, you’ve turned into somebody you’re not? How did you come so far off the track that you were on, without realizing it sooner?
In my need to adapt, I was continuously trying to push aside myself, without being aware of the frustration that was building up. What seemed like harmless changes, started to pile up against the person that I am. I had this revelation last night. I snapped at my sister for no apparent reason. I realized at that moment that sub-consciously, I was desperately trying to be and stay positive, I was trying too hard. And that one little hint of negativity (or in my sister’s case, a complaint), was enough to invalidate all the efforts I was making.
I can blame a lot of things for causing these unpleasant changes. But who would care for them? Ultimately, it’s me who has to correct my wrongs, get back on track with being true to myself, and make the necessary changes. All I can be thankful for, is the dawning of this realization before things got out of hand and I became insufferable even to myself.
As I write this, I’m reminded of Anne Hathaway’s character- Andrea Sachs- in the movie, The Devil Wears Prada. I’m not as pretty but a lot of my frustration also, stems from work and the power play that goes on in the office. Like her, my social life is zero (which could also be attributed to the new city). Atleast, she had a boyfriend. I don’t. Although if I did, that relationship would’ve also suffered, just like hers did. And on a lighter note, I was also a journalism student, till I decided to work in the admin/HR department, like her. Oh the similarities!
But like Andrea Sachs, I’m going to make things better now that I know what’s at stake. Unlike her, things haven’t gotten totally out of hand. Whether I keep my job, or not, and for how long, that remains to be seen.