What Caring Feels Like

tumblr_n54w1xhbmy1rc2ub3o1_500

Not too long ago my mother was severely sick and admitted in the hospital. She had to undergo a surgery. At the time, my relationship with her was strained to say the least, but you classify these issues as trivial in times of sickness. I was concerned about her, I wished she would return home healthy and in full swing. But I couldn’t go visit her in the hospital, and I know she still holds that against me. Those nude walls and the smell of disinfectants make me uneasy. When I look at a sleeping patient’s face, my brain tells me very masochistically, “This is what they would look like when they’re dead.” My mother’s all well now.

Recently, a very dear friend was admitted in a hospital, it was sudden. I went to visit him despite my aversion. I just wanted to see his face. I wanted to be brave. When I entered the ICU, he was under anesthesia, his condition critical. I called out his name. He didn’t wake up, didn’t respond. My mind started spurting disturbing thoughts. I tried to quieten them. The doctors asked me to shake him and try to wake him up. I couldn’t. I was afraid of the silence reinforcing that dreaded thought.

The next day he was awake. We spoke for a while. He looked better. But I couldn’t shake this ill feeling inside of me.

It is hard for me to get attached to people. But sometimes, some people happen to walk right through those walls. Hard times teach you lessons that you won’t learn otherwise. And sometimes these lessons are perceptions about yourself. Maybe those ‘ill feelings’ are these realizations- teaching me what it’s like to truly care about somebody.

Here I Am

BP

 

It’s the people that make places special. The opposite also holds true. I have been admittedly biased about a few places because the memories of them are marred by unscrupulous people and, experiences that I’d rather not waste my brains cells in remembering.

Where I live now, I’d never have thought of coming back to, not in a thousand years. Yet, here I am. The work opportunity I’m getting here, I could never have gotten anywhere else. This was the right decision.

I am a different person now, than I was when I left this city 6 years ago. In that time spent away, I’ve become unrecognizably unlike the teenager I was when I left. I am stronger, independent, more mature and happier than I used to be. I now know who I am, as opposed to being lost and running on fumes.

I was apprehensive about coming back. I told myself that I won’t stay for very long. That the minute I would find any kind of work anywhere else, I’d leave. I guess I was scared of losing myself. I was scared that this place would bring back the bad old days.

But not anymore.

I was underestimating myself. I learnt that the genuinity of who I am does not enable a backspace function. This self-realization surprised me, but it gives me the courage to be fearless and face this dreary memorial of a city.